Toilet Talk
Whenever people ask me, “What’s the one thing you could never live without?” my answer is always the same: “Indoor plumbing.” I think it speaks to the utilitarian pragmatist in me (how’s that for redundancy?). It’s not really an answer that people like to hear, so there are rarely follow-up questions (I guess it would more interesting to say, “I would die if I didn’t have my Faberge Egg collection. It means everything to me.”)
But with indoor plumbing in mind, I read a story today on the Huffington Post about a new luxury toilet from Kohler. Here’s an excerpt from the story:
Numi, Kohler’s “smart toilet” set to debut at the end of the month, brings a new level of luxury to the lavatory. The opulent appliance features hands-free motion sensors that open and close the lid, embedded deodorizers, a heated seat and foot warming system and even built-in speakers with pre-programmed radio stations. And the whole thing is controlled by a detachable remote.
(You can read the whole thing at www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/16/numi-luxury-smart-toilet_n_850125.html.)
How much does this must-have bathroom item cost? A mere $6,300.
At a time like this, when the rich keep getting richer and the middle-class and the poor keep getting poorer, what millionaire wouldn’t want such an item to class up each of their many bathrooms?
So I took an informal poll to find out what some influential Americans think about this. Here are their responses:
Donald Trump: “I’ve been invited into the greatest bathrooms in the greatest hotels, the most magnificent homes, and the hottest restaurants all over the world, but this is the only commode that I’d want to see in a TRUMP bathroom. None of the other potential presidential candidates could afford to buy every American one of these, but I could. I won’t, because I’m not an idiot or a socialist, but I could. I’m smart, I’m handsome and I’m successful beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. And I’ve got the number one show on television: ‘The Apprentice,’ Sunday nights on NBC. Watch or you’re fired.”
Charlie Sheen: “This toilet: WINNING. All other toilets: LOSING. What? ‘Winning’ is played out? But I have nothing else! Wait, what was my line about Adonis blood and tiger DNA or something? This toilet has that stuff.”
President Barack Obama: “This toilet is fine for me, Michelle and the kids. Yes, we can afford it. We’re very fortunate. But our purchase of such an item shouldn’t come at the expense of older folks having to pay more money out of their own pockets for health care. It’s a pessimistic worldview that is short-sighted and unpatriotic. And as long a I am president, I won’t stand for it.”
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI): “Raising taxes at a time like this would be catastrophic to our economy, because it would stunt job growth, particularly at the small business level. And how do we create more jobs? By keeping taxes low on ‘job-creators,’ so millionaires can buy as many of these toilets as possible. It’s in the Constitution. And the Bible.”
Mets Manager Terry Collins: “The horror! The horror!”
LeBron James: “I’m taking this toilet’s talents to South Beach.”
The Most Interesting Man in the World: “I don’t always use a toilet when I expel my own human waste. But when I do, I prefer the Numi.”
